My Most Important Goal
As Treasurer, one thing I'd do is keep track of the club's money. I can't stress enough what an important part of the Treasurer's job it is to keep track of the money. I guarantee you, not a single thin dime of the club's money will escape my careful scrutiny. I don't mean to negative campaign, but have you noticed that none of the other Treasurer candidates have mentioned this important aspect of the Treasurer's job? I tell you, if you're planning on any embezzlement or anything, you better vote for somebody else, because I'm going to keep track of that money!
Although sometimes it takes a while to find, I believe down deep in my heart that everyone has a special talent, and mine is keeping track of the money. I've been thinking about holding this position for several days now, and I can't tell you what a warm, satisfying glow I get from thinking about applying my unique skills to keeping track of the club's money. My mother would be so proud - she has anticipated this moment ever since I was four years old, when she caught me 'saving money in my tummy', a habit I still wrestle with sometimes.
I am committed to new ideas in keeping track of the money. So many candidates think they can get by with the same old abacus, but not me. It is my goal to bring money tracking into the twentieth century, or at least the eighteenth or nineteenth. I'm sure that somebody, somewhere, has invented a better way to keep track of the money, and I just need to figure out what it is.
I have thought a lot about leadership, and my thinking leads to this unmistakable conclusion: we need leaders that lead. Leaders that don't lead don't lead anywhere but disaster, that is, if they lead anywhere at all, which I think I already said that they don't. When you're looking for a leader, be sure to find somebody who can lead. And I am not leading you on when I say, I will keep good track of the money.
No Negative Campaigning
Unlike the other candidates, I am totally dedicated to positive, clean campaigns. That's why I'm not even going to mention anything about jail time or farm animals that may or may not have something to do with the other candidates' ability to keep track of money.
When we talk about choosing leaders for our group, we have to talk about experience. I tell you, I've had all sorts of experiences. Like the one time I was pulled over driving a car naked, now that was an experience! My life is chock full of experiences, almost one right after the other. You won't find a candidate with more or better experiences.
I cannot tell a lie: I cannot tell a lie. Well, maybe I could tell a lie, if I tried hard enough, but I wouldn't. Well, maybe I would tell a lie, under the right circumstances, but probably that won't come up. Anyway, I am not into lying, believe me.
Even if you just hit Page down through this whole message, when you
up (or sit down) to vote, remember one thing:
"Fritz will keep track of the money."
Vote Fritz for Treasurerurer!
(I got the job)