Fritz Capell FAQ

Wherever I go, people are always asking questions.  Question, answer, question, answer: it gets tiring.  So to limit the amount I have to deal with each of you individually, I've decided to use the miracle of electronic communication to universally answer the most common questions.

Q: Who are you?

A: Ah, the eternal question... the eternal answer:  I don't know.*

* - look at the bottom of the page

Q: Why do you have this website?

A:  I specifically designed it so that people would ask me that question, and you fell into the trap.  Don't despair, you are not the first, although also not the best looking.

Q: What do you think of Linux?

A: Linux is a mind-numbing, permanent absorbtion into the endless puedo-world of computer maintenance.  They say that once you are there, it is a relative nirvana, free from the woes of the Registry, the hell of the DLL, and eternal servitude to the evil Micros~1.  The proponents of Linux are an army of militant computer-literates who want to know everything about their computer so that they can somehow, in some incestuous and co-dependent manner, control the evil daemon that possesses their lives, their free time, their very thought processes - or at least the documentation of their supposed 'though processes'.  I hope to become one of them someday, but something is wrong with my Linux system, and all the man-pages are formatted in one column of text.

Q: Why aren't there any nude pictures of you on your website?

A: There aren't?  The link must be broken.  Try again in a few days.

Q: Why aren't there nude pictures of other people on your website?

A: Are you saying you want me to put nude pictures of you on my website?  Send me an email and I'll put them up...

Q: How good is your memory?

A:  Great.  I remember so much stuff, I can't even keep track of everything I remember.

Q: Rumor has it that you are very good in bed - is this true?

A:  Yes, I have to admit that I am very good in bed.  I sleep peacefully, hardly ever whine for a glass of water, and always keep my hands to myself.

Q: What is your favorite food?

A:  I am working on a recipe called Fritz's Famous Chicken, but so far it's not very famous because it's not very good.  Not even necessarily edible, except to me.  But I'll keep working on it, someday it'll be famous.

Q:  How is your German?

A:  Nicht schlect.  Und dein?

Q:  How is your Spanish?

A:  No es malo.  Y tu?

Q:  Can I help you?

A:  Um, sure... I'll have an IPA and a Chef Salad.

Q:  Should I continue reading this?

A:  No.

Q:  What do you do in your spare time?

A:  Make up questions and answers to put on my website.

Q:  What is your philosophy of life?

A:  Actually, I have four:

Q:  Why do you write songs?

A:  I used to write editorials, but there wasn't any money in it.

Q:  So, you make money from your songs?

A:  No, but I pretend like I do.

Q: How good is your memory?

A: Great.  I remember so much stuff, I can't even keep track of everything I remember.

Q: How did you get to be so good looking?

A: It's all about the watch.  I always say, a good man without a good watch is just a good man without a good watch.

Do you have a question to frequently ask me?  If so, send me some email and I'll add it to the database of questions, sorted by frequency of asking, and when it gets near the top of the list, I'll consider answering it.